The Two scariest words to most Horror fans, Reboot and Remake. Yes the 2000’s saw a shit load of horror remakes that Hollywood pulled out of their collective asses not because the lack of fresh ideas i’ve come to learn, but because fresh ideas not giving a chance. At the end of the day cash is king and Hollywood knew that the remakes could turn a profit so oh boy, did we get a ton of them. Can we really blame them? I recently re-watched My Bloody Valentine 3-D for the first time in a long time and I have to be honest, half way through I said to myself, wait this is freaking awesome! So it got me inspired to take a look back at other horror remakes or reboots and rank them 10 to 1. Figured it would be a fun exercise. So here goes my Top 10 horror remakes from the 2000’s till today.
#10 Thirteen Ghosts (2001 remake of 1960)
Arthur and his two children, Kathy and Bobby, inherit his Uncle Cyrus’s estate: a glass house that serves as a prison to 12 ghosts. When the family, accompanied by Bobby’s Nanny and an attorney, enter the house they find themselves trapped inside an evil machine “designed by the devil and powered by the dead” to open the Eye of Hell. Aided by Dennis, a ghost hunter, and his rival Kalina, a ghost rights activist out to set the ghosts free, the group must do what they can to get out of the house alive. The actual ghost designs and the kills that those said ghosts perform are great. The cast had a couple of 2000’s all stars in Matt Lillard and Shannon Elizabeth along with the father figure here played by Tony Shalhoub. This film was one of really first films to kick off the remake craze and it still holds up.
#9 Fright Night (2011 remake of 1985)
I have fond memories of seeing this remake. Me and a date went to a drive in movie theater in the middle of nowhere in New Jersey and the experience was awesome. The audio coming through the car speaker and delicious popcorn from the old timey themed concession stand. When a nice new neighbor moves in next door, Charley discovers that he is an ancient vampire who preys on the community. Can he save his neighborhood from the creature with the help of the famous “vampire killer”, Peter Vincent? “Your Mom gives off a scent and your girlfriend, phew, she’s ripe.” -Colin Farrell. Yes I’ll admit, i’m not the biggest Farrell fan on the block but he was damn good in this playing the vampire next door. The movie was a lot of fun, much like a lot of other films at this time they used 3D tech and used it pretty damn well. Lastly that chase scene, when Farrell throws the motorcycle through the families back window I was like Holy Shit as I did not expect it at all. Along with the greatness of Toni Collette who plays the mother, this one was a solid remake of a classic vampire flick.
#8 The Amityville Horror (2005 remake of 1979)
One thing about me is that I both love the original 1979 Amityville film and the actual mythology revolving around the real life story that happened at that house in Amityville, NY. I was lucky enough to visit the house a few years back and i’m not shitting you it was a surreal experience. So going into a remake of the 1979 classic I was very skeptical especially considering funny man Ryan Reynolds was going to be playing the role of George Lutz. In December 1975, George and Kathy Lutz along with their three children move into an elegant Long Island house. What they don’t know is that the house was the site of a horrific mass murder a year before. They decide to keep the house and attempt to keep the horror in the past, but are now haunted by a murderous presence. This is until, George starts to behave weirdly and their daughter, Chelsea starts to see people. What follows is 28 days of sheer, unbridled terror for the family with demonic visions of the dead. Don’t get me twisted this rendition is not as good as its predecessor but it’s not bad either. By the end Ryan Reynolds is completely transformed into a man who has lost all sense of reality and you are scared of him and for the safety of his family. This remake hits all the same beats as the original and it deserves to be on this list.
#7 My Bloody Valentine 3-D (2009 remake of 1981)
Tom returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the Valentine’s night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a homecoming, Tom finds himself suspected of committing the murders, and it seems like his old flame is the only one that believes he’s innocent. This remake I recall seeing when it first came out but almost dismissed and forgot about it instantly because I re-watched this film this past Valentines day and had a blast with it. The kills were over the top crazy, gory and well designed. I did not see this in 3D but I appreciated all the creative ways that it took advantage of the viewing experience when 3D was the big thing in the 2000’s. So with myself being a huge Jenson Ackles fan and with the final kill totals being at least 30, this remake in my opinion kicked ass!
#6 Halloween (2007 remake of 1978)
After the tragic death of long time Halloween franchise producer Moustapha Akkad, Malek Akkad, his son takes over the franchise and goes with Mr. Rob Zombie and with the blessing of both Malek and John Carpenter, Zombie is told to make this film his own and that he does. The residents of Haddonfield don’t know it yet… but death is coming to their small sleepy town. Sixteen years ago, a ten year old boy called Michael Myers brutally kills his step father, his elder sister and her boyfriend. Sixteen years later, he escapes from the mental institution and makes his way back to his hometown intent on a murderous rampage pursued by Dr Sam Loomis who is Michael’s doctor and the only one who knows Michael’s true evil. Elsewhere a shy teenager by the name of Laurie Strode is babysitting on the night Michael comes home… is it pure coincidence that she and her friends are being stalked by him? Zombie’s Halloween is always put in the love it or hate it department. Personally im in the like it department. The first half is 100% zombie filth grime and grittiness that his movies are known for. He gives a great backstory of little Michael Myers and explains just what happened to him into the boogeyman will all know. After escaping the mental institution we see Michael goes to Haddonfield so the second half of the movie is basically a copy and paste rehash of the 1978 classic. This version of Michael Myers was by far the most terrifying one from all the Halloween movies, played by former pro wrestler, Tyler Mane, this dude is not fucking around. Nice touch by Zombie casting Danielle Harris, famously from parts 4 and 5 but obviously playing a different character in this version. The epic throw down with Laurie Strode and Myers in this one is longer and more physical as the final shot of the film has Laurie’s face covered in Michaels blood as she shoots him in the face. I give Rob Zombie alot of credit for taking the story in so many crazy directions in the first half yet then showing his love and appreciation for the original in the second half.
#5 Dawn of The Dead (2004 remake of 1978)
Written by George A. Romero and James Gunn, Directed by Zack Snyder, yes #SnyderCut of Dawn of the Dead. Here we see Ana goes home to her peaceful suburban residence, but she is unpleasantly surprised the morning that follows when her husband is brutally attacked by her zombified neighbor. In the chaos of her once picturesque neighborhood, Ana flees and stumbles upon a police officer named Kenneth, along with more survivors who decide that their best chances of survival would be found in the deserted Crossroads Shopping Mall. When supplies begin running low and other trapped survivors need help, the group comes to the realization that they cannot stay put forever at the Shopping Mall and devise a plan to escape. Here is another remake that lands on this list that is also just oozing with bad assery. From the opening till the end credits you barely get a second to breath as the kill count on this beast is roughly 438 (credited to a you tube kill count video) YIKES! That’s a fuck load of head shots. In the end Zack Snyder did Romero proud here as this film will always be known as not just a great remake of a great zombie movie, but as a great zombie movie on its own. Personally I am not a big Zombie kind of horror fan but there’s no denying this one.
#4 Friday The 13th (2009 reboot of the 80’s originals)
A group of young adults set up tent near the abandoned summer camp where a series of gruesome murders are said to have taken place back in 1980. The perpetrator was a grieving mother, driven insane by the drowning of her child, Jason, whom she believed was neglected by the camp counselors. As legend has it, the last survivor of the attacks beheaded the woman. But then Jason came back, and now he is a vengeful and inexorable killer, wielding crossbows, swords, axes and other sharp instruments. The legend proves horribly true, as these campers quickly discover. Six weeks later, the brother of one of those campers distributes posters of his missing sister. The police believe she took off with her boyfriend; but he knows better. The brother crosses paths with an uptight young rich guy who is having his girlfriend and friends over at his parents’ cabin. The brother ends up at the cabin himself just before his sister’s attacker sets upon them all. The other Supernatural brother is thankfully on this list in Jared Padalecki. He plays a dude coming to the camp to find his missing sister. The cast of characters are super cheasy and over the top clique so when they finally bite the machete you dont feel too bad for them. Luckily for us the Kills are ALL creative and for the most part all gruesome. 13 kills in all ( symbolism ) I really hope this franchise gets their legal shit together because call me crazy, I wouldn’t mind seeing a continuation of this Jason in the future in some form. A 13 episode series on HBO MAX yeah I said it, make it happen!
#3 Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003 remake of 1974)
If you don’t agree with 2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre being this high on the list than you simply must have not have seen it in a crowded theater. The very first time you hear leatherface’s chainsaw rev, it was so dang on loud in the theater tagged along with woman in the audience screaming theirs heads off clutching the arms of their boyfriends, that I almost jumped out of my seat in excitement. It was the moment you realized, ok this thing was going for the jugular. I recommend hopping on that youtube machine and watching the trailer for this film. I can guarantee it will wow you, as I feel its easily the strongest trailer from all these reimagining’s. Driving through the backwoods of Texas, five youths pick up a traumatized hitchhiker, who shoots herself in their van. Shaken by the suicide, the group seeks help from the locals, but their situation becomes even more surreal when they knock on the door of a remote homestead. It’s quickly apparent the residents are a family of inbred psychopaths, and the unlucky youths suddenly find themselves running for their lives. In hot pursuit is a disfigured, chainsaw-wielding cannibal known as Leatherface. A lot of gore ( especially the hitchhiker death in the beginning), combined with a likable cast highlighted by the legendary actor R. Lee Ermey playing Sherriff Hoyt and Jessica Biel being hot as hell. TCM 2003 is a hell of a ride through Texas.
#2 IT (2017 remake of 1990)
In the summer of 1989, a group of bullied kids band together to destroy a shape-shifting monster, which disguises itself as a clown and preys on the children of Derry, their small Maine town. Not going to say much about this as its fairly recent and everyone knows the deal here. Director Andy Muschietti did a phenomenal job here putting a fresh coat of paint on the Stephen King classic. As well as Bill Skarsgard doing a tremendous job portraying the dancing clown Pennywise. Chapters 1 and 2 were instant classics the second they were released. Beep Beep Richie.
#1 Evil Dead (2013 remake, reboot, sequel? who gives a shit. IT ROCKS! of 1981)
We arrived at number 1. Fede Alvarez’s masterpiece recreation of the Sam Raimi classic Evil Dead. Lets get bloody! Five twenty-something friends become holed up in a remote cabin. When they discover a Book of the Dead, they unwittingly summon up dormant demons living in the nearby woods, which possess the youngsters in succession until only one is left intact to fight for survival. You can tell right off the cold open that director Alvarez is a fan of the series and it determined to make a very serious yet incredibly great entry into the lore of Evil Dead. The winks to the old movies are all over the place with Mia sitting on the Ash’s 73 Oldsmobile Delta being my personal favorite. After our characters find the book of the dead in the cellar all hell breaks loose. Homage to the tree attack outside the cabin, homage to Ash’s hand sawing off in the kitchen, along with two sequences that once you see it, you can never un see it. The cheek slice in the bathroom and the now infamous tongue slice by Mia on the cellar steps. My Lord its wicked!! The final climax between Mia and the abomination outside the cabin with blood raining down is a great battle with Mia coming out on top chainsawing that bitch in half in one of the bloodiest kills in history. This remake was an easy number one for me as I find myself re-watching quite a lot and it gets better every time. Added bonus at the end with the Groovy cameo from Mr. Ash Williams himself Bruce Campbell. Fede Alvarez’s Evil Dead is a classic.
By: Hugh Patrick (Terrified State)
Terrified State 